Broken

I don’t understand why I can’t seem to catch a break.  I don’t understand why there is not a single person that understands or cares that the things they do and the actions they take hurt me more than anyone can imagine.

I’m torn.  And I’m broken.  I’m frustrated.  And I’m sad.

There’s a lot going on right now, mostly in my head.  I’m still having troubles trying to conceive, and it breaks my heart every time I see a negative result on a test.  My husband is insisting that I’m taking too long trying to get together with the girl and has sought to push things on his own, which is inevitably in the wrong direction.

I had one request out of all of this.  Just one.  Out of all of the things in the whole world I could have said or done in regards to this situation, I just had one request.  I could have said no.  I could have left.  But I asked one thing.  I asked that there be no communication until the girl and I have met. 

What I want to know is if it’s okay to tell your wife over and over again that she’s not enough and you’d much rather be with anyone but her.  Is it okay to treat her like your first wife just because she made a request?

I’m not the one withholding sex.  I’m not the one backing down and taking your children away.  I’m not the one who tried castrating you and continues to do so to this day.

I’m the one who’s there for you now.  I’m the one that’s ready to get my naughty on all. the. time.  And I’m the one that’s willing to do the weird things sometimes that no one else will.  And I’m the one that’s willing to inconvenience myself from time to time just to make you happy.  I’m the one that is so interested in making you happy that I’m willing to add the girl to our little thing and see what happens.

I’m really close to just saying fuck everything, I’m done.  The pain hurts so much.  The fact that he’s willing to go to great lengths and not care about how it affects me hurts me more than he’ll ever know.

I’m a strong person.  I’ve had a lot in life to deal with.  I’ve been through tough times and not so tough times.  But I wonder if I’m finally at my breaking point.  I wonder if I can deal with it any longer.  I wonder just exactly how strong I am.

And I hope to figure it out.  Soon.

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